Nothing quite says it like a teddy and a £350 lichen and nutmeg, or a slim-fit clam… Says what? That you are a Burberry Man. That you settle for nothing less than cotton pique and prefer an Equestrian Knight to a crocodile, panther, shark, and other famous logo-centric polo designer labels.
In the summer, I get SAD. I suffer terribly from Seasonal Affective Disorder. As soon as winter ends, the sun begins to really shine and the days get longer, I start to get very depressed. I start to think about polo jerseys and the problems they give me. Worrying that maybe my Sunspel and Alexander McQueen days might be over and my Officine Generale, Burberry, and Oliver Spencer times never really began, I suffer from terrible mood swings. Usually between Vineyard Vines, Dutch Aurelien, and Wales Bonner. If it’s really bad, I think non-stop about Boss. If it’s critical, I get haunted by visions of myself in ill-fitting Bears Plus. Clinically grave polo choices include mesh and Uniqlo. My condition feels terminal when I begin to consider Under Armour. It’s not very imaginative.
APF (Acute Polo Fatigue), otherwise known as LDYS (Logo Dysmorphia) or PCW (Pathetic Capsule Collection), and sometimes referred to as CCS (Calamitous Core Syndrome), is a common problem among men of a certain age and certain body shapes.
Some days, you can feel very Derbyshire and John Smedley, and then more Terry towelling. Even far from the poolside. You suffer fits of classic pique and Private White V.C.s as well as prolonged solid Vilebrequin periods. You have plenty of dark moments. One moment you might feel knitted but then suddenly transition into mercerized cotton (Orlebar Brown) and then, equally as abruptly, change into something more slubby and Shantung, before morphing equally feverishly into a super soft brushed, solid and minimalist (known as Perse).
Peak moments of psychologically disturbing crisis usually revolve around inexplicably appearing in Mountain Warehouse or Adidas.
With APF, everywhere becomes a fashion runway. Wherever you go, you hear snide voices disparaging your laughable and naïve choice of a polo top. You find yourself standing around at parties in your Castore being pointed mockingly at by people in Reiss zip-necks, fantastically durable, peak of pique Scotch oink Holderness & Bournes and £280 camel Derek Rose Jacob Sea cottons.
You arrive in something minimalist and neutral, and everyone else is in pastel and maximalist. And far smarter than you. You are constantly besieged by crocodiles, penguins, sharks, and whales. My polo has been humiliated more times than I care to remember.
Once, in a plush restaurant restroom, I found myself sandwiched between, on one side, a man in a slim but XL camel heather Banana Republic and, on the other, further upstaged by a seriously impressive Smedley 2XL Belper knit. My Fred Perry just couldn’t measure up. I have lost count of the times I have been made to feel inadequate on planes by the person next to me wearing an Alex Mill Vintage wash, a Luca Falconi, or something by Resort Company. Or on trains made to feel beside a Zanone and a Philipp Plein.
And all I am in is an old, unironed Oscar Jacobson from Clubhouse Golf and struggling to remain moisture-wicking.
Bona fide luxury items, they may be, but polos can be a minefield. Closet staples can cause headaches. I once had a recurrent nightmare about being tormented for walking around with an embarrassing erection. Every man wants a polo with a flat collar and one that doesn’t pop up all the time.
Women don’t help. They make you feel that you are not hybrid enough. I have been variously called “a poseur” (for wearing Billionaire Boy) and “an inverse polo snob “(for wearing ostana cotton). One girlfriend ditched me for a Todd Snyder jacquard. Another dumped me because I never changed. I was “boring”. Staid! I wore Tommy Hilfiger. One date accused me of suffering from a complete vibes bypass because I turned up in French Connection. I was a cheapskate, too. One girl asked. “Can’t we try something different tonight? Like micron merino wool?”
People jump to conclusions about you from the polos you choose to wear.
Size matters. Many men and women judge you on your polyester level. One girl I met demanded a minimum of 90% tercel. A friend went out with a girl who would only be seen with classic pima and Pini Parma. She cost him a fortune. Few will date you if they suspect you don’t have a long tennis tail.
Over the years, I have been accused of being too GQ pick, obviously Esquire-recommended, ostentatiously stealthy wealthy, and trying too hard to be sporty. Flaunting one label, I was definitely damned with faint praise when my purchase was described by a beloved bystander as not even close to being a great, good value option.
We all want “to revel in the timeless convergence of sport casualness and elegance.”
Achieve that the crossroads look between corporate, casual, and chic.
So here are my wife’s picks
I clearly can’t trust my own taste in polos.
WEIRD FISH (Baked Clay, Pumpkin or Barberry Red Marl)
Classic cut Miles organic cotton pique polo shirt with button-up collar and contrast color button placket. Thermo-regulating and eco-cool too. No toxic chemicals are used to grow the cotton, so it doesn’t damage the soil as well as using 88% less water than regular cotton and 62%less energy. www.weirdfish.com
REIGNING CHAMP SOLOTEX MESH (Heather Carbon, Maritime or Petrol)
Fast drying, highly breathable, 4-way stretch, 50+ UPF, Flatlock seams, Metal snaps, Semi-raglan sleeves. underarm gussets, made in Vietnam, and does the job. www.reigningchamp.com
HUCKLEBERRY PROOF (Navy, Forest or Stone Black)
Made with odor-resistant, moisture-wicking Australian merino wool, the three-button placket at the neck with low-profile snaps in a matte black finish. Free collar with built-in collar stays that rest around the neck. Nylon reinforcement allows the merino fabric to be machine-washed. www.huckleberry.com
ABERCROMBIE & FITCH KNITTED POLO ( www.abercrombie.com)
With Buck Mason Rugby Polo (www.buckmason.com) and Percival (www.percivalclo.com), the best knitted polos.
SUNSPEL
Never give up trying to be James Bond. www.sunspel.com
VINEYARDS VINES ST JEAN STRIPE SANKATY
Sunset Pink, Lighthouse Red, Aster, or Sea Splash. Super-soft and super-sexy. Also, Anegada Stripe. www.vineyardvines.com
BDRADDY LOVE LIVING T-BONE ( Available in Shame, Hot and Rich)
Super-lightweight, its proprietary stretch jersey is made from 75% polyester, 25% spandex. Has no label inside the collar for comfort. The shoulder seam sits above the shoulder for better range of movement. Classic vented hem that looks good tucked or untucked. Discreet Compass logo at wearer’s back right hem. Cross-stitched engraved Draddy buttons complete the look. Also, the Living Good design. www.bdraddy.com
ORIGINAL PENGUIN ALL OVER COCKTAIL WINDOWPANE (White or French Blue )
An elevated take on the classic golf shirt. 56% Polyester / 30% Recycled Polyester / 14% Elastane. Lightweight Single Knit Fabrication. Polo Collar. Dashing. www.originalpenguin.com
READY GOLF WEED
The other end of the spectrum from Burberry, Something a little different, provocative, and certainly not conservative. A polo is for the bold and unapologetic who know what they like without any doubts. Its comfortable features won’t harsh your buzz. A huge range of zany, fun, flamboyant, and eye-catching polos, Beer Me, Bacon Strips, and Puzzled Jigsaw. For those with a sense of humor and who still like to practice social distancing, the outrageously popular COVID polo is 100% polyester, 4 1/2 oz. with a moisture management micro-mesh knit body, UV protection, solid rib-knit collar, hemmed sleeves, and single-needle top-stitching. Available in patriotic colors! www.readygolf.com
Grab everyone’s attention. Grab a teddy or a T-bone, and leave someone else to choose your polos.
