“Sat-chit” or eternal bliss is attainable.
Through a combination of chickpea poultices, nostril washes, avoiding potatoes and eating more millet, regular and ruthless exfoliation, colonic irrigation, express pedicures, skull polishing, eyebrow threading, and drinking more beetroot, papaya and watermelon juice.
And paying an Indian enormous sums of rupees to pour buttermilk over your forehead. And fiddle with your sacral dam.
The Ananda in the Himalayas in Rishikesh, Uttarakhand, a 45-minute drive up into the Sal forest foothills from Dehradun airport an hour’s flight from Delhi, is one of the most luxurious and exclusive spa destinations in the holistic, homeopathic, pseudo-scientific world.
Rishikesh, once the Nirvana of yoga, is now India’s adventure tourism capital. It’s where fifty years ago the Beatles learned TM (Transcendental Meditation) under Maharishi Mahesh Yogi and wrote most of “The White Album”. And some of “Abbey Road”.
Modern Rishikesh causes and cures disequilibrium.
It’s the only place where you can zip-wire over the Ganges and bungee jump within a foot of its sacred, jade-green waters. And, afterward, calm your disorientated mind, still your heartbeat and palpitating body parts, and get your laundry done in a five-star royal palace.
The former 1910-11 residence of the Maharaja of Tehri-Garhwal, offers the world’s only yogic detox facilities and dosha-friendly, Ayurvedic treatments. It has just undergone a $5m refurbishment. So today’s Spiritual Regeneration Movement and coming to an understanding of the rules of the universe come at a 6-star price.
Modern PK (Panchakarma) self-purification disciples and self-development devotees, having had their marigold petal garlands and loose cotton Kurta jim-jams fitted and personal Ayurveda consultant and ogi assigned, are subjected to a “Prakturi” test to find out their Tridosha body type and what their doshas (humor) are vulnerable to and therefore what metabolically calamitous lifestyle choices are inhibiting self-realization and blocking their path to a better, healthier life.
And the attainment of all-round “moksha” and the ultimate transformative travel experience.
My Ayurvedic assessment determined that I’m stout and not symmetrical. That my chest is broad and neck wide. My eyes are small and active, my skin warm, my sleep deep and my hair scarce. My joints crack, my appetite is strong, my digestion quick and my eliminations dry. My cheeks are rounded and my belly “is defined”. I’m on the heavy side.
It also revealed I have a caring nature, and cry easily but am occasionally prone to anti-social behavior. Like flatulence.
Apparently, my mental activity is moderate, my intellectual response average, my memory medium, and my thirst impressive. As a result, I suffer from acute ego loss which means I have a poor self-image which means that weight management is tricky.
And therefore largely a mental thing.
Luckily. “Ananda” is one of the most famous and highly respected meditation retreats in India and a visit to happiness is assured. ( “Ananda” means bliss in Sanskrit)
All self-truths having been ascertained, my Ayurvedic profile defined, my “gunas” (attributes) quantified, my disposition and psychological constitution categorized, I waited – as Oprah and Nicole Kidman had done before me – on recommendations on how to become better equipped to achieve greater mind/body balance.
Expecting the usual harmonious regimen of smoothies, carrot pulp, sprouted whole grains, lean proteins, plenty of coconut and holy basil “Thulsi” water tonic, chakra-realigning tongue-scraping tips, and clarinet reed lunches, it was a surprise to be told to seek a more profound sense of vitalization and relaxation by playing the hotel’s six-hole par 3 course.
Or billiards. On one of the oldest snooker tables in the world.
It was rather unnerving arriving and a turbaned gentleman asking me how old I thought his balls were. Having blown the dust off them before inviting me to handle them the revered objects.
At dinner, my meal plan was prescribed. My waiter confessed to being a bodybuilder.
Never have I been served by someone so mindful of my bowels. So concerned with my kidney function and prostate health, my “Vata” (wind), “Pitta” (bile), And general humors (“dosas”).
Ayurveda (meaning “knowledge of life”) is two millennia old. Its origins are the sixth-century Athatvaveda” texts comprising a hundred hymns and incantations sung as magical cures for disease.
Executive Chef, Calcutta-born Sandeep Biswas has attained mastery of the way of Mung and gained absolute comprehension of the split yellow lentil. His knowledge of pulses is profound and supreme. His kitchen brigade prepares menus for an ailment-free existence. He has just launched an Ayurvedic cookery app.
“Your body is made up of three elements – earth, wind, and fire. Every dosha has a preferred therapeutic cooking style and the most beneficial favored ingredients,” he said, introducing me to his signature “Sattvic” menu devised to gain higher consciousness.
And free you from bloat.
He gave the impression of a man who knew how to shave an almond.
“Sattvic foods are calming foods abundant in Prana- the Life Force. My dishes will raise your vibrational levels. Sattvic means pure essence. It’s the purest diet for a consciously spiritual and healthy life. True health is a peaceful mind in control of a fit body. Many Sattvic foods are sun foods. Organic, fresh, and ripe.”
Having recommended some life-extending neem leaves, some life-affirming legumes, and fenugreek to control dandruff and lice infestation, the chef disappeared leaving the waiter to execute a textbook Indian head wobble suggesting that my meals would have plenty of joint-and-cartilage friendly turmeric and be high on hing ( asfoetida).
My waiter also offered guidance to my “agni” ( digestive powers), recommending certain combination spices for optimal nutrient absorption.
His complexion testified to frequent sesame oil facials and his teeth are a testament to betel nut abstention.
“Your digestive juices must be at peace. Your tummy must sing like the Upanishads! Your stomach must chant the mantra,” Happy Digestion! Happy Digestion!” he said, without saying it. I got the message. It transcended speech.
He approved the goat masala and jasmine rice with the compliments of the chef.
“Avoid banana and milk. That impedes salivary production and wreaks intestinal havoc which leads to discomfort and poor sleep. Always avoid aubergine and cucumber.”
His wide smile implied that if he could not guarantee I’d become a unique paradigm of beauty, the chef would certainly do his best to minimize un-neutralized stomach acid. And excess mucus.
As well as the gourmet super-food, “Ananda In The Himalayas” offers daily Vedanta lectures to educate you into the eternities, quality candle flame and smoking fragrant joystick staring time, induced vomiting classes, and other very pricey “Shatkuriyas” -body purifying techniques.
As well as the chance to perfect your “Bhujangasna” or yogic cobra pose to stimulate your adrenal glands and lessen your troubling constipation issues.
On hand for wellness seekers are resident and visiting inferential therapists and whole body welfare counselors, intuitive and sacro-cranial masseurs, “rolfers” and masters of refining your etheric body and giving your “ojas” or aura a rejuvenated luster.
Eating wisely is key. Food is the dynamic.
“Use all your senses,” said my personal, bulked-up waiter the next day. “Take time to appreciate the smell of your meal, the look of your plate, the texture of your food, the different flavors, and the sounds that you make when you eat.”
You meet your fellow guests on the grounds or by the pool. Sing the praises of tap root sap and discuss with us how your “marma” energy points and bio-energies, in general, have been miraculously revivified, your emotional and physical passageways pacified, your sluggish bowels enlivened or hyperactive ones calmed, your adult acne has been tamed by curd face masks and herbal pastes.
And how you are coping spiritually with the $24 for one glass of purely medicinal Chilean Chardonnay.
Excluding government taxes.
And mandatory contribution to the country’s Women’s Empowerment Fund.
I met one lady- a fellow Kaptha-dominant guest – who had successfully mortified her ego, annihilated the self, and sweated out much intense Karmic sickness. She claimed to have transformed unilateral passion into universal adoration.
Thanks to Tibetan “ila” treatments, various body and mind healing sessions, and the administration of highly-priced decoctions via various, time-honored routes, she said she had become more accepting. Even of sitar music.
And the lack of WiFi.
The honey enemas had clearly worked for her. Her pathways had been miraculously cleansed. She had been converted to miscellaneous vegetarian chutneys.
After a few days, I too found serenity through my room’s spelled chaff-filled pillows, vetiver (khus) bath salts, and better brain wave coherence and inner resilience through sunbathing and sleeping a lot and well.
Without any gastric discomfort, distress, or unease.
All the New Age pampering, ancient pummelling, and functional super-food fine dining miraculously cleared the mind and belly of chatter.
Until I checked out and was delayed seven hours at the airport. And began to lose faith in my mantra and the calming efficacy of Mr Biswas’s cure-all ghee-sauteed cumin seeds and slow-roasted cauliflower. My stomach began to grumble.
And my dosha wasn’t far behind.
Ananda in the Himalayas, The Palace Estate, Nendra Nagar, Tehri, Uttarakhand www.anandaspa.com
